long time no speak.

Sorry i havent been on here ina while, the computers been broke. I was so scared when the guy came over to fix it that he would find all this stuff, luckily he never!
Well its been a bit a of a mad few weeks, i was bingeing like crazy and went up to 180-something lbs!!!! But ive gained control and am now down to 169lbs, but ive been this weight for five days now and cant seem to lose anything. So im going to eat normally today and not exercise, just to give my body a break. Then only have 100 calories tomorrow and see if that shifts the pounds!
I just wanna loose as much as i can before christmas because i know ill ending up putting on so much weight:( im working xmas eve and boxing day though so that should steer me away from bingeing.

Its been pretty easy not to eat lately, my cousins hada car accident hes been moved to a hospital in london to see if they can help, buts its not looking to good at the moment. My brother has been told hes gunna get a minium of 3years and maxium of 6years in jail because he hada fight with some guy, its his trail soon. Im really scared for him. Everyones been arguing with eachother over it because his ex girlfriend isnt really helping him, and half the family is talking to her whilst the other half dont want anything to do with her. Olly has court this week to because he hada fight with a policeman, he wants me to go with him. But i really dont want to go. And to top it off the college has been threating to chuck me out for not attending, i just cant find the motivation to go. Ive never really been academic and always played up at school, just thinking that something will come my way. But now at college they want us to plan our whole lives out, i dont know i want to do or who i want to be. All i can think about is getting thin, that seems more important than college right now...

Just been looking at the topshop website, i love their clothes. The clothes are better thinspo for me than pictures, i cant wait till i can look good in them. Also loving the xfactor at the moment haha, cheryl is great thinspo.

Hope you are all doing well:)

Lexy xx

You could drop a few pounds.

This week has been one of the worst. I'll start with last night, i was ollys house. We havent been that close lately at all, we are kind of drifting apart. He'll be really nice to me, make me feel like im the only person in the world who matters. We'll have sex, then he wont pay much attention to me until he wants sex again. And i fall for it everytime, thinking that maybe he actually means it this time. Im starting to wonder whether he's ever actually cared for me or he was just buttering me up. So now he's more like my bit on the side rather than my boyfriend lol. Anyway, i was getting changed and he just out of nowhere said 'you could drop a few pounds'. And i know i need to its just that it came out of nowhere, he had this smirk on his face like he just wanted to hurt me. I hate him sometimes. When im thin he wont ever want to leave me, he wont want anybody else. And even though hes a complete bastard most of the time i still love him.

And to top it all off, i purged this afternoon. I havent purged in about a year, its so addictive. But im not stupid and im not starting that off again. Today ive just felt very sorry for myself lol. I went to college this morning, then to ollys for sex haha, gave into his games again. Oh well at least i burned a few calories off, then binged like a mad woman. Purged it all up, had a boiling hot bath and smoked twenty ciggarettes and i hardly ever smoke. Think i might just watch a film now and tomorrows a new day. I think ill set myself a realistic goal of 600 calories, then lower it day by day. Until im fasting again, i love fasting.

I hope you are all doing well. And thankyou all for the supportive comments:):)

Lexy xx