long time no speak.

Sorry i havent been on here ina while, the computers been broke. I was so scared when the guy came over to fix it that he would find all this stuff, luckily he never!
Well its been a bit a of a mad few weeks, i was bingeing like crazy and went up to 180-something lbs!!!! But ive gained control and am now down to 169lbs, but ive been this weight for five days now and cant seem to lose anything. So im going to eat normally today and not exercise, just to give my body a break. Then only have 100 calories tomorrow and see if that shifts the pounds!
I just wanna loose as much as i can before christmas because i know ill ending up putting on so much weight:( im working xmas eve and boxing day though so that should steer me away from bingeing.

Its been pretty easy not to eat lately, my cousins hada car accident hes been moved to a hospital in london to see if they can help, buts its not looking to good at the moment. My brother has been told hes gunna get a minium of 3years and maxium of 6years in jail because he hada fight with some guy, its his trail soon. Im really scared for him. Everyones been arguing with eachother over it because his ex girlfriend isnt really helping him, and half the family is talking to her whilst the other half dont want anything to do with her. Olly has court this week to because he hada fight with a policeman, he wants me to go with him. But i really dont want to go. And to top it off the college has been threating to chuck me out for not attending, i just cant find the motivation to go. Ive never really been academic and always played up at school, just thinking that something will come my way. But now at college they want us to plan our whole lives out, i dont know i want to do or who i want to be. All i can think about is getting thin, that seems more important than college right now...

Just been looking at the topshop website, i love their clothes. The clothes are better thinspo for me than pictures, i cant wait till i can look good in them. Also loving the xfactor at the moment haha, cheryl is great thinspo.

Hope you are all doing well:)

Lexy xx

You could drop a few pounds.

This week has been one of the worst. I'll start with last night, i was ollys house. We havent been that close lately at all, we are kind of drifting apart. He'll be really nice to me, make me feel like im the only person in the world who matters. We'll have sex, then he wont pay much attention to me until he wants sex again. And i fall for it everytime, thinking that maybe he actually means it this time. Im starting to wonder whether he's ever actually cared for me or he was just buttering me up. So now he's more like my bit on the side rather than my boyfriend lol. Anyway, i was getting changed and he just out of nowhere said 'you could drop a few pounds'. And i know i need to its just that it came out of nowhere, he had this smirk on his face like he just wanted to hurt me. I hate him sometimes. When im thin he wont ever want to leave me, he wont want anybody else. And even though hes a complete bastard most of the time i still love him.

And to top it all off, i purged this afternoon. I havent purged in about a year, its so addictive. But im not stupid and im not starting that off again. Today ive just felt very sorry for myself lol. I went to college this morning, then to ollys for sex haha, gave into his games again. Oh well at least i burned a few calories off, then binged like a mad woman. Purged it all up, had a boiling hot bath and smoked twenty ciggarettes and i hardly ever smoke. Think i might just watch a film now and tomorrows a new day. I think ill set myself a realistic goal of 600 calories, then lower it day by day. Until im fasting again, i love fasting.

I hope you are all doing well. And thankyou all for the supportive comments:):)

Lexy xx

Gaining control.

Where do i start? . . . I gained 5lbs over the last few day:::::::, its disgusting, im disgusting. And i still cant gain control. Yesterday mother made me dinner and insisted that i ate it, i dont know what that was about. She never makes me eat, even when she found my journal she didnt make me eat. I hope she has not suddenly found an interest in my eating, that would suck so bad. Im not used to people going on at me too eat and she keeps shoving food down my throat as soon as i walk in the door. And my friend, well shes one of my best friends except at lunch when she really really gets on my nerves. Lets call her 'Ella'. Well every lunchtime ella wants to go to some grubby takeaway place, and im not even exagerating. EVERY single lunchtime. You would think she would be sick of it by now. When im fasting i can resist and feel so much better for not giving into food. But when im not fasting i usually end up giving in, today i had a chicken sandwich thing. Probly about 500 calories, but at least i managed to say no to the fries. So i am slowly gaining control.

And whats so funny about her, is she's consistly on a 'diet' . The other day she told me she can go 4 days without eating easily lol. I dont know where she got that idea from, ive never seen her go one lunchtime without eating. Grrrr. Well thats my rant over!
One good thing that happened this week, i gotta phone call from river island(clothes shop) and got asked for a interview next week. I cant wait, if i can get a job on the weekends it will help stop me bingeing every weekend. Its funny how thats the only reason i want a job.
I am undecided as to what i should do tomorrow, in terms of eating. I feel in so much control when im fasting, but i usually dont lose that much weight fasting. And i know it slows down your metabolism. I feel like ive failed if i havent fasted. What do you guys think is better. . fasting or restricting? and if restricting, what is your average daily calorie intake?

Oh and thankyou all on your exercise plans. Ive decided to take up jogging thanks to *princess*smile*. Its actually not that bad when you have some good songs on your ipod. The only problem is the terrible weather in england(n).
Hope you are all having a good week:)

Lexy xx

Failure.

Failed this weekend, yet again. Every weekend is exactly the same, i'll tell myself that im not going to fall into the trap of eating all the junk food my family insist on eating every weekend. But i do every single time. I did so bad on Friday, yesterday i fasted till about 10pm then ate sauage and chips. Yuck, i dont even like it so i dont know why the hell i ate it! Im too scared to weigh myself, i think ive probly put on about 7lbs. Im stuck in all day today so i had to have some dinner, but ive only had chicken and vegtables.

I was so stressed out last night, i was like a mad person. I was pacing around my house till 3am like a lost dog. I just wanted to get out of my skin, im so frustrated with myself. Ive taken up smoking again, it eases the pain for about two minutes. But at least its meant to suppress your apitite(please excuse my awful spelling). Im fasting the rest of today, until maybe Thursdayy? hmm. I usually find it easier in the week so hopefully i will be in the 160's by next weekend. One of my best friends is off to Paris this week modelling, im going to miss her loads!! And im so jelous of her lol, when i get down to 125lbs i may try my luck at it.

Oh and i bought the september issue on DVD this weekend, its like a documentry on the making of vogue. The models on it are great thinspo, so i think ill watch that later so get me in the right mind set for the rest of the week.
Also, i was wondering how much you guys exercise? and what do you do? . . Im terrible about exercising but im going to try and keep it up as long as i can, i have an addictive personality so hopefully ill get addicted!
I hope you all had a better weekend than me, and thanks for the support. Its nice to know theres other people going through the same sort of things.

Lexy xx

Over and over.

Im addicted to this song. Its called over and over by three days grace. Here's some of the lyrics;

I feel it everday its all the same,

It brings me down but im the one to blame.

So here i am again,

Chasing you down again.

So many thoughts that i cant get out of my head,

I try to live without you everytime i do i feel dead,

I know whats best for me,

and i want you each day,

I keep on wasting all my time.

Anyone else know any good pro ana songs? . . Soo, i binged last night, it was horrible i feel so bad about it. I seriously had about 1200 calories in about 30mins, i didnt even know that was possible. I was too scared to weigh myself this morning, so im going on a liquid fast until monday or tuesday.

Have a good weekend, and think thin:)

Lexy xx

All or nothing.

I've been doing so well lately with my fasting and i know ive only fasted for 4 days and that sounds pathetic to some people but i havent been able to gain control for so long. I kinda feel like im doing too well and im going to trip up anytime soon and gain, gain, gain. That thought is too painful right now. I feel so in control and its great and to make matters even better, my mum's hairdresser came round yesterday and i havent saw him for a couple of months. He said it looked like i'd lost weight, i graciously thanked him and walked into the front room. I was happy i had the biggest, cheesiest grin across my face it probly closely resembled that of the chesire cat's smile!

I haven't even felt hungry which has really surprised me, ive not had the desire to binge at all. I usually end up bingeing from the smallest bit of food, ill convince myself that 'one bite wont hurt' then 'one more wont do any damage' then another, then another until eventually im stuffing my face like an animal because 'im going to gain a pound anyway' and have to eat everything i have missed whilst ive been fasting. I usually end up bingeing until im sick or repulsed by the sight of food.
It's kinda like i have to have it all or nothing at all, and ive found im like that with most things in life. Im either obsessive about it or have no interest, i cant just do things in moderation. Like alcohol i cant have a little bit i have to be paraletic drunk, or i wont touch it.

But everything been pretty good at the moment. Oh apart from my social life, ive been finding myself making up excuses not to go out with friends because i know it will either involve food or alcohol(alcohol is my biggest weakness, i can never say the simple two letter word N O), and i dont like being the only sober one. I just cannot risk losing contol its too precious and fresh at the moment. But because of this ive not been getting asked out as much anymore because everyone knows ill make up some excuse, i dont know whether this is a good or bad thing because being thin is way more important.
How do you guys manage a social life??

Im really really worried that i will slip up this weekend because ive been busy all week with college etc, and not really had the time to think about food. But being stuck at home with the family and food is going to be hard. Especially how they insist they have to have a takeaway every saturday(grrr!). I might go and stay with my boyfriend Olly this saturday, but then he'll be wondering why im not eating. This weekend is going to be my biggest challenge, if i can overcome this then im sure ill do alright next week. I wanna lose three pounds by tuesday.
Well i hope you girls have a good weekend:), and thankyou all for the support on my last post its really helped!

Lexy xx

New start.

I'll introduce myself first. My names Lexy, im 16 years old and i live in England. A few months ago i lost 25lbs because of ana and it felt so so good. I was on a high everyday. Then i went on holiday with a friend, who i would like to add is about 100lbs and eats like a fully grown man. She's one of those people who has an insanely fast metabolism. Whilst on holiday i copied her eating habits, kidding myself that if she could eat and not gain a pound then so could i. BIG MISTAKE i completely lost control and gained a stone in 10 days and kept on gaining until now.

I fasted the other day and it all came back to me, that high feeling you get like your walking on clouds and your doing so well, your going to be so thin. How did i forget this feeling? Ever since that day ive been completely focused and obessed with being thin. I know it sounds crazy but i love it when my friends want to go to some disgusting fast food place, and i can sit and watch them stuff themselves full of fat whilst i sip my coke zero. And im not claiming to be ana as i have no where near that much control, but i apsolutley admire the girls who can. And i hope someday i will be as good as them.

I just want to be thin, i want to see bones. I hate being fat, my mums always like 'just eat healthily and exercise it will work' yeah right! Ive realised the only way to be thin is to eat as little as possible, my mum doesnt care about how far i take this. Whilst i was on holiday my mum found my journal, it contained my food journal, thinspo, quotes, diet plans and my fucked up thoughts. She never even confronted me about it, and i know she found it because it had been moved and she said something about it the other day. But that was it, like it never existed. My family are good at that pretending things arent bad. I will show her that i can lose weight i will be beautiful.

Another reason for me to do this is Olly, my gorgeous boyfriend. He is so skinny, i look short and fat compared to him. I want to be thin so he will never leave me, he'll be proud to introduce me as his girlfriend.

I decided to write this blog because i need the support, i cant do this on my own. I used to have a ana email buddy, she was such motivation fr me knowing that i would have to tell her if i gained weight or gave into food. But she decided to get better, ever since then ive been so lonely. So this will be a great motivator for me. Also if anyone wants to do this with me, just leave your email. I would prefer someone aruond the same weight as me . . gulp 175 lbs, i know its disgusting and so embrassing just typing those numbers. They make my stomach turn over and my heart sink I WILL be 120 lbs i know it.

Today is my second day of water fasting and its been so good, im feeling tired though as seeing as i have college all this week i think ill make tomorrow a liquid only day(under 150cal).
Well ill be back soon, think thin!

Lexy xx